I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
