You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
