i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
