I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
