I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
