Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
