Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
