She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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