I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
