And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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