Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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