Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
