I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
