So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
