Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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