I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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