You made me cry and you don't even care
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
be right there i have to get my cape
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
