I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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