He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
did you just send me my own nude
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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