Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
