maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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