im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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