Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
