True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
