what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
