Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
