my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
