who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
