Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
