just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
