shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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