I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
