I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
