I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they need to just BURY HIM!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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