You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
