Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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