non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
