who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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