um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
