i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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