oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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