so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
