Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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