Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
