I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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