you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we're making bets on your personal life
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
