It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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