If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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