Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
