Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
