Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
