I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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